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Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life.

Psalm 138:7

The loss of a child, born or unborn, is perhaps the most difficult loss anyone could ever endure. This untimely and unnatural event can be so emotionally painful that it rocks the very core of your being. You may express your loss profoundly, grieving deeply and openly. You may be more reserved in your expression of grief, processing your feelings quietly and privately yet mourning every bit as much as, those who are more openly expressive. You may find yourself somewhere in between. Everyone grieves differently and for varying lengths of time. Grief is personal, and it is unique to each person.

Wherever you are in your journey of loss, and no matter what emotions you might be experiencing at this time, I encourage you to embrace your grief. Mourning the loss of a life is natural, normal and healthy.

Know that the validity of your grief is not dependent on whether

ò your loss was a result of miscarriage,

ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or early

infant death;

ò your baby's unformed body was deemed

"viable" according to the medical world;

ò you or your doctor physically saw your

child's heart beating on a sonogram;

ò your baby lived 4 weeks or 40 in the

womb;

ò your little one lived for a few days, weeks

or months outside the womb;

ò you held your baby or never had the

chance;

ò you experienced a sense of closure or

had no real closure at all.

The fact is that you conceived life, and that life grew within you. The life of your baby deserves to be validated, and the loss of your hopes and dreams needs to be acknowledged. Your baby's life was significant to you and is very significant to God.

Maybe your loss occurred many years ago and you never felt free to grieve, or maybe your loss is quite recent. Maybe you are deeply saddened right now and feel the void of your little one's passing. Perhaps you feel numbness more than anything else, or you're not sure what you should feel. Though you may be afraid to admit it, perhaps you feel embarrassed for the depth of your emotion and sorrow over a life that was only with you, in the physical sense, for a very short time.

If you have never felt truly free to grieve, I want to give you permission to do that now. Your loss and your grief need your acknowledgment, your response and your acceptance. You must allow yourself full expression to feel the way that you feel. You have suffered a very significant loss-the loss of your very own child.

Not only have you lost your child, but you have also lost the hopes and dreams of what could have been. From the first few moments when we learn of the existence of life within us, our minds begin to think about how this new being will become an integral part of our lives. In just one moment you became Mommy and Daddy to a new life. You may have calculated how far along in the pregnancy you would be on special days such as Christmas or your birthday. You may have thought about the time of year you would deliver and even have begun making plans or changing plans to accommodate the impending arrival of your child. Then, in one moment, just as quickly as those exciting and hopeful thoughts had come, they were crushed with the reality of loss.

God is the author, creator and finisher of life. You need to know that the loss of your little one's life was not your fault. Trust in the fact that you did everything in your power to love and parent your baby. In extremely rare cases, where there might be room for doubt about the level of care that your baby received, God is still sovereign! Don't blame yourself or others unjustly. God has power over all human error and can exercise that power when it lines up with His plan.

The fact is that loss happens-and the number of occurrences are staggering. We can't even begin to understand all the whys; nor can we control the process of our losses. We can do everything in our human power and limited knowledge to sustain the life of our little ones, but life and death are ultimately up to God. For some reason, He has allowed your loss. You don't have to understand it; you need to trust that He has the best in mind for both you and your child. His ways are higher than our ways and He will fulfill His purposes through these precious lives He has created.

As difficult as it may be, facing your loss is the only way you can really begin to heal and see how something good can come out of something so incredibly difficult. I want to acknowledge your parenthood, the life and death of your baby and the reality and validity of your grief. Don't be embarrassed by the deep emotions you may experience over the passing of your child. Your grief is understandable, and the life of your baby is significant and worth remembering.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't want you to think that you are all alone in your grief. Please know that God is more than able to handle your questions, disappointments and even the anger that might arise as a result of your loss. Run to Him now. He wants to reveal more of Himself to you and His love for you as you hold on to Him. You do not need to have all the answers; just trust in Him. In time, as you heal, you will begin to see the many ways you have been forever touched by your child's brief time with you. Allow your baby to leave his or her footprints on your heart.

Prayer

Dear God, help us as we come

face-to-face with our loss. Let us

grieve unashamed, trusting that

our little one is now with You.

Help us accept our loss and grow

closer, as a family. Let us day by

day begin to see Your plan. Help

us trust when we can't see

through the tears. Let us know

You are here. Amen.

Angel Unaware

Words and Music by Shari Buie and Tamara Miller

Oh, the longing we both had

To be a mommy and a dad

We put our hopes and dreams in you

He hoped for pink, I dreamed of blue

But for you God had a different plan

One we may never understand

Chorus:

We were visited by an angel

Though we didn't know it then

You were the answer to our prayer

Our Angel Unaware

We hardly got to say hello

Before we had to let you go

God breathed your name and called you home

So briefly here, so quickly gone

But in the stillness of the night

My empty arms still hold you tight

In my mind I see you running,

Chasing bees and butterflies.

Soft hair gently blowing,

Healthy cheeks, laughing eyes.

In the quietness of the morning

When the mist hangs in the air,

I hold you close within my heart-

My Angel Unaware

How can I miss someone so much

I barely had the chance to touch

Yet as you grew inside of me

I learned how strong a love could be

I knew you for a lifetime

I'll love you all of mine

Chorus

Chapter Two

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Psalm 139:1:3

According to God's creative design, every unborn child has distinct spiritual significance, God knew all the days of your baby's life before any of those days (or moments) came to be. Before your baby was even conceived, God had a plan. Your baby was not a mere product of conception, a lump of tissue, or a life just not meant to be. Those words are painful to hear and devalue the sanctity of life, and they are untrue. God never makes knitting mistakes when He knits life in the womb. From conception, your baby's life was truly human and therefore is an eternal soul-a life ordained by God Himself.

You are not alone in your loss. As shocking as it sounds, statistics show that 25 percent of all human conceptions do not complete the twentieth week of pregnancy. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. Seventy-five percent of fatal deaths of infants occur in the first twenty weeks. These numbers are staggering. Why then are we made to feel that losses through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth and early infant death are relatively uncommon happenings that only a few people experience? As statistics show, losses of this kind are far from rare. These numbers translate into empty arms, broken hearts and many childless parents.

A great number of people experience multiple losses. Whether it is your first loss or one of many, your loss is significant. Even if you already have children, the pain of losing a baby is crushing. Although I had three children when I miscarried, our family was deeply grieved by our loss. Each child is a special creation, and one child cannot replace another.

Before our own experience, my husband and I were not aware of the frequency of pregnancy loss. After we miscarried, our eyes were opened to the losses of others.

Although the world will try to downplay or even negate the significance of life in the womb, there is evidence that your little one was a very real presence. Just as there is evidence of wind and air-although we cannot see wind and air-there is evidence of your baby's existence. Life cannot pass through us without leaving its imprint of life in the womb.

What evidence do you have that validates the life of your child? There are many, including a pregnancy test, cravings, morning sickness, extreme tiredness, heartbeat sounds, sonogram pictures, body-shape changes, hormonal stress, baby hiccups and kicks, baby showers, gifts, pictures and videos.

As you seek validation for your little one's existence, I want to take you to God's Word. The Bible acknowledges and validates the significance of your child's brief life. It seems that thousands of years ago, God had already anticipated the problem of a world that would not acknowledge that life begins in the womb at the moment of conception. The Bible specifically describes and recognizes life during the first three months of pregnancy.

In Psalm 139:13-16, we see that God is the One who created life in the womb. He knows intimately each life conceived, even as He knows you now. These verses strongly validate all stages of life, from the very moment of conception as the substance of life to the fully formed life ready for delivery into the world:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

The same truths apply to you and your baby:

ò God formed your delicate inner parts.

ò You were woven together by God in your

mother's womb.

ò You were wonderfully and complexly

made.

ò You were not hidden from God when

your frame was made in utter seclusion.

ò God's eyes saw your very substance when

you were yet unformed.

ò Each day of your life was planned and

recorded before your first moment of

existence came to pass.

Life is God's creation, created to bring glory to Him. Although we can set up the circumstance for God to create a life, we do not make life happen; He does. Even before our babies are conceived, all of their days have been numbered. That means that each moment of our babies' existence here on Earth, whether in or out of the womb, whether for a few hours, days, weeks or months, was planned and allowed by God. He created that life just as He had planned. There is no room for happenstance or accident.

Allow these facts about your baby's brief life to bring you boldness in your grief as well as peace for your soul. I hope you will find incredible healing and peace as you are freed to face the facts about the life you carried. Your baby was the handiwork of God!

As painful as it might be to face your loss at this moment, facing it is the only way to truly begin to heal. As painful as it may be at first, let your heart grieve. Every tear you shed is worthwhile.

With all boldness and love, I encourage you to think of your child as a gift from God. Your baby's life, however brief, was purposed and significant. The Father was and continues to be glorified through your child's precious life. His purpose in that life is being fulfilled even now through you.

Prayer

Dear God, please help us see our

child as an eternal life that You

created. Hold us tightly, as we

begin to deal with the reality of

our loss. Help us to trust that

You have a plan to make beauty

out of ashes in our lives. Help us

know how to let go and how to

continue on with our lives. Help

us see our child as a gift of life

from You. Amen.]

Continues...

Excerpted from I'll Hold You In Heaven by Debbie Heydrick Copyright © 2003 by Debbie Heydrick
Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.