“Hilarious and inspiring, Anner has made a life filled with fans, love, and Internet fame—reminding us that disability is no match for dreams.”—People (Book of the Week)

“Zach Anner is way more than an inspirational figure for anyone who has ever felt impossibly different: he’s also a great f**king writer.”—Lena Dunham

Comedian Zach Anner opens his frank and devilishly funny book, If at Birth You Don't Succeed, with an admission: he botched his own birth. Two months early, underweight and under-prepared for life, he entered the world with cerebral palsy and an uncertain future. So how did this hairless mole-rat of a boy blossom into a viral internet sensation who's hosted two travel shows, impressed Oprah, driven the Mars Rover, and inspired a John Mayer song? (It wasn't "Your Body is a Wonderland.")

Zach lives by the mantra: when life gives you wheelchair, make lemonade. Whether recounting a valiant childhood attempt to woo Cindy Crawford, encounters with zealous faith healers, or the time he crapped his pants mere feet from Dr. Phil, Zach shares his fumbles with unflinching honesty and characteristic charm. By his thirtieth birthday, Zach had grown into an adult with a career in entertainment, millions of fans, a loving family, and friends who would literally carry him up mountains.

If at Birth You Don't Succeed is a hilariously irreverent and heartfelt memoir about finding your passion and your path even when it's paved with epic misadventure. This is the unlikely but not unlucky story of a man who couldn't safely open a bag of Skittles, but still became a fitness guru with fans around the world. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll fall in love with the Olive Garden all over again, and learn why cerebral palsy is, definitively, "the sexiest of the palsies."

Introduction: . . . Well, Why Don’t I Start? 1

Part I: Oprah to Nope-rah
1. What’s in a N4me? 9
2. How to Win a Television Show 22
3. Drivers Ed in the Mars Rover 36
4. Comics Without Relief 52
5. Who Wants to Smell a Billionaire? 74
6. How to Lose a Television Show 86

Part II: Friends in Search of Benefits
7. Destiny in a Red One-Piece Bathing Suit 107
8. I’ll Have a Virgin Zachary 122
9. Something to Offend Everyone 135
10. Hope, Salad, and Breadsticks 158
11. Barking Up the Wrong Tree House 173
12. With Apologies to Gene Shalit 190

Part III: The Learning Curve of a Late Bloomer
13. Have a Little Faith 215
14. The Most Magical Life on Earth 225
15. Game Changer 253
16. A Wedding, Two Meat Loaves, and a Lobster Funeral 264
17. Grandma: The Musical! 284
18. The Wurst and Best of Berlin 297

Conclusion: Thirty Candles 317

Acknowledgments 333