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Violent No More is for men who have struggled with or are currently being violent in an intimate relationship. Filled with real stories of men who have harmed the ones they love and found the courage to change, this highly acclaimed book has helped thousands acknowledge and reform their abusive behavior. Author Michael Paymar doesn't sidestep the unpleasant reality of domestic violenceincluded here are the sometimes shocking first-person accounts of violent men, along with those of battered women. More importantly, many of these stories illustrate the ways in which men were able to stop their use of violence and control. This edition contains four new chapters which address the challenges faced by practitioners who work with domestic violence offenders or victims, and the particular struggles faced by combat veterans returning from war, many of whom come home with PTSD and other mental health issues. With group exercises and individual goal-setting plans to help men find healthy ways of responding to conflict, change the cultural conditioning that condones violence, and avoid reverting to old patterns, Violent No More is an essential guide for men dealing with violence issues, as well as for the professionals who assist in their efforts to improve.
Michael PaymarMichael Paymar has lectured and trained, both nationally and internationally, on human rights and ending gender-based violence. He provides training and technical assistance to professionals in the criminal and civil justice system, law enforcement, and the military on how to end domestic violence. Paymar lives in Minneapolis, MN, where he serves in the U.S. House of Representatives. Anne Ganley lives in Seattle, WA.
Table of Contents
Foreword Preface Acknowledgments Introduction Why Write a Book for Men Who Batter? A Note to the Reader
Chapter 1: A Challenge for Men Andy’s Story Andy’s Story Five Years Later The First Step: Owning the Problem The Next Step: Getting Help How to Use This Book
Chapter 2: The Roots of Men’s Violence against Women The Superman Myth How Our Culture Encourages Violence The Struggle for Equality What Men Expect from Relationships
Chapter 3: The Origins of Abuse and Sexual Violence Cassie’s Story Bernice’s Story Women and Violence The Violence We Learn at Home The Violence We Learn from Society Why We Use Violence Sexual Violence The Impact of Violence on Sexual Relationships
Chapter 4: It’s More Than Just Physical Violence Jim’s Story Using Intimidation to Control Using Threats Blocking Her Freedom to Decide Using the Children to Get to Her The Pain of Emotional Abuse Understanding and Stopping Battering
Chapter 5: Getting Past Denial Sid’s Story Taking Responsibility Minimizing Violence Self-Defense or Retaliation? Guidelines for Remaining Nonviolent Letting Go of Blame Alcohol, Drugs, and Violence Anger
Chapter 6: Making Changes and Staying on Track Mark’s Story Letting Go Taking Time-Outs Time-Out Rules Self-Talk: Learning to Think Positively Handling Jealousy The Danger of Obsession
Chapter 7: Staying Together What Traps a Woman in an Abusive Relationship? The Switzers’ Story It May Always Be a Struggle Understanding and Accepting Women’s Anger Changing the Mind-Set Getting Your Needs Met without Being Abusive
Chapter 8: Resolving Conflicts, Strengthening Relationships Elliot’s Story New Relationships, Old Problems Egalitarian Relationships Sharing the Load The Issue of Money Expressing Feelings Learning to Negotiate and Compromise Negotiation Guide Fair Discussion Guide Developing a Personal Responsibility Program
Chapter 9: Healing Dave’s Story Dave’s Story Five Years Later Support for Changing Men New Definitions of Masculinity Health and Balance 1 Dating: How Much of the Past Do We Reveal? Talking to Your Children about Your Violence Staying on Course: Your Lifelong Commitment
Chapter 10: Veterans Coming Home Hector’s Story Screening for Mental Health Problems Veteran’s Courts Changing Military Culture
Chapter 11: Creating Change in Groups Ron’s Story Expectations of Counseling The Theory and Practice of Offender Programs The Duluth Curriculum: New Approaches How Well Does Counseling Work? The Principles of an Offender Program Intake, Orientation and Screening Partner Orientation and Safety Procedures Controversies in the Field Research: What Do We Know? Women that Use Violence in Relationships
Chapter 12: Danger and Lethality Dale’s Story from Prison Assessment Tools
Chapter 13: Primary Prevention: The New Frontier Stopping Rape on College Campuses Reducing Demand for Violent Pornography Trafficking: Choices for Men Backlash: The War on Women Social Change