Listen up chumps, basically the Vicar asked us to edit the parish newsletter this month, we weren't gonna do it at first cos the vicar said 'I want you to channel your energy into doing something creative', which he knows brings back Kurtan's PTSD cos our old woodwork teacher Mr Perkins used to say it to him all the time, and when Kurtan actually DID channel his energy into something creative he managed to sand down some MDF to make a back scratcher and Darren Lacey pointed at it and laughed and called it an 'abomination to woodwork', which made Kurtan throw a chair across the room in rage and one of the chair legs hit Rob Robinson and left a dent in his forehead.

So we decided to write this newsletter cos people need to the know the REAL s*** that goes down in our village, it ain't just fetes and duck races you know - it's proper f***** up.

All the best,

Kerry and Kurtan

p.s. Kurtan wants to make it clear that although this newsletter is in book format it does not make him any of the following:

Book worm
Book bummer
Boffin
Nerd alert
The lion, the witch and the book worm

p.p.s If you don't buy this newsletter that's fine, but we are getting a percent of the profits to donate to the Kerry Mucklowe eating fund, so if you don't buy it I'll basically starve. Which is fine if your conscience can deal with that utter headf***.

p.p.p.s If you were offended by any of the contents in this newsletter please post your complaints to PO BOX GET STUFFED.

Kerry Mucklowe is a part time professional pet babysitter and full-time street fighter who also still manages to find the time to be her own personal security. When she's not bashing someones face in she enjoys conducting science experiments with soda streams, and once performed a successful autopsy on a dead Daddy Dong Legs.

Kurtan Mucklowe once came a very close second in the 100m at his primary school sports day. This meant he was the second fastest in his whole school until he decided to retire at the age of 11 to pursue his other talent of blowing things up with them little french bangers. He once famously blew a head off of a Playmobil ambulance man, and was the first person ever in the village to put 20 bangers in a cow pat and blow it to smithereens. Kurtan is currently pursuing an interest in aerosol fireballs.