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Chapter One

Guidelines for Living

"The world is too much with us," Wordsworth wrote in 1807, and hisphrase has taken on a whole new meaning in the twenty-first century. In fact, theold boy would probably be running for cover if a time machine whisked him to streetsfull of people rushing about as though there were no tomorrow -- many of themyelling into small metal objects held to their ears.

It would be easy for us to sympathize with him. While scientific and medical advancementshave made life easier over the years, the stresses and strains that have comewith population density, technological advancements, all-pervasive news and entertainmentmedia, and a redefinition of the family have resulted in a whole new set of challenges.People behave no worse than they used to (rudeness and other social offenses arenothing new), but the pressures of modern life make it all the more difficult to stay civil.

What's needed for this day and age? New guidelines for courteous behavior, especiallyin a time when it often seems that "anything goes." It's true that a more casualapproach to dressing, communicating, and entertaining has taken hold, but that'shardly something to be concerned about. The history of human interaction is one ofchange, and manners by their very nature adapt to the times. Today's guidelines helpsteer our behavior as we move through our daily routines -- no matter what difficultieswe face, how informal the occasion or event, or which surprises are sprung. In fact, itcan be said that we need manners more than ever to smooth the way.

Although today's manners are more situational, tailored to particular circumstancesand the expectations of those around us, they remain a combination of commonsense, generosity of spirit, and a few specific "rules" that help us interact thoughtfully.And as fluid as manners are (and always have been), they rest on the same bedrockprinciples: respect, consideration, and honesty.

Respect. Respecting other people means recognizing their value as human beings,regardless of their background, race, or creed. A respectful person would also nevertreat a salesperson, a waiter, or an office assistant as somehow inferior. Respect isdemonstrated in all your day-to-day relations -- refraining from demeaning others fortheir ideas and opinions, refusing to laugh at racist or sexist jokes, putting prejudicesaside, and staying open-minded.

Self-respect is just as important as respect for others. A self-confident person isn'tboastful or pushy but is secure with herself in a way that inspires confidence in others.She values herself regardless of her physical attributes or individual talents, understandingthat honor and character are what really matter.

Consideration. Thoughtfulness and kindness are folded into consideration forother people. Consideration also encapsulates the Golden Rule: Do unto others asyou would have them do unto you. Being thoughtful means thinking about what youcan do to put people at ease, while kindness is more about acts. Taken together, thesequalities lead us to help a friend or stranger in need, to bestow a token of appreciation,to offer praise.

Honesty. Honesty has more to do with ethics than etiquette, but the two are intertwined.What could be more unmannerly than being deceptive? Honesty ensuresthat we act sincerely and is also the basis of tact: speaking and acting in ways thatwon't cause unnecessary offense.

A tactful person can say something honest about another person without causinggreat embarrassment or pain. In other words, tact calls for both empathy and benevolenthonesty: "I like the other bathing suit on you better" is honest, while "Thatbathing suit makes you look fat" may be equally true but amounts to an insult.

Two Other Essential Qualities

Graciousness and deference are also part and parcel of mannerly behavior. Graciousnessis the ability to handle situations with aplomb and flexibility, while showingdeference can be as easy as removing one's hat in a place of worship.

The mark of a gracious person is his ability to put people at ease and spare them anyembarrassment. (You're being gracious when someone forgets your name during anintroduction and you say, "Oh, please don't feel bad! I'm always drawing a blankwhen I try to remember names.") It's easy to forget that "gracious" is the adjectiveform of "grace," which dictionaries variously define as "good will; favor"; "thoughtfulnesstoward others"; and "a sense of what is right and proper." By any definition,grace is a quality anyone should strive to achieve.

Deference is primarily a means of recognizing a person's experience and accomplishments.Courtesies like standing when an older person enters a room, giving a seniorexecutive the head seat at a conference table, and addressing authority figures bytheir titles and last names (unless they specifically request otherwise) do not demeananyone. Far from it. Deferring politely reflects well on the person who defers bydemonstrating that he values other people for their achievements.

Actions Express Attitude

People who really pay attention to others have little trouble translating whatthey see and hear into courteous behavior. Courteous people are empathetic -- able torelate emotionally to the feelings of others. They listen closely to what people say.They observe what is going on around them and register what they see. A selfcenteredperson might say, "I know exactly how you feel" to someone in a traumaticsituation and then immediately start describing his own experiences. An empatheticperson is more likely to say something like, "I can't know how you feel right now,but I can understand your grief [or anger or sadness]. And if you want to talk about it,I'm here to listen."

This concern for others leads to another characteristic of courteous people: Theyare flexible -- willing to adjust their own behavior to the needs and feelings of others.This doesn't mean that well-mannered people are pushovers or lack strongly heldprinciples ...

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Excerpted from Emily Post's Etiquette by Peggy Post
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.